Terrorists could soon benefit from some very, very, very small savings.
Airport shops have suffered a crippling blow in their battle
to deny terrorists travel pillows, cologne and big sticks of Toblerone.
With passengers now refusing to show their boarding cards to
ever-vigilant shop assistants, it’s only a matter of time before an islamist acquires a very, very, very slightly cheaper pair of Ray-Ban Aviators.
“It’s demoralising”, said Sharon Hostage, who works at Luton Airport’s duty-free shop. “For the last 3 years, I’ve worked tirelessly to stop some nutjob buying the latest Maeve Binchy novel.”
“I need to see their boarding pass to do some rudimentary background checks (and reclaim the tax), but now even a blatant Jihadist could waltz out of here with a copy of the Daily Mail, and some Stugeron.”
The airport considers re-branding to reduce expectations
Passengers arriving at Luton Airport have voted it Britain’s worst airport citing the fact you end a lovely flight in Luton as the main reason.
The survey by the consumer group Which? showed that top of the list was the confusingly named Robin Hood Doncaster Sheffield Airport.
“The biggest asset going for the winner was that despite the name, you were still a good 20 minute drive from either Doncaster or Sheffield” Which? executive director Richard Lloyd said
A record number of iPhones have been seized and destroyed at airport security since passengers have been asked to prove the batteries work.
“We are finding a lot of them aren’t able to turn on. The users trying to board with the device are making up a number of excuses,” a security guard at Luton Airport told us.
“We have had some claiming they drained the batteries checking Facebook twice, and others saying the batteries died as they kept checking the time to see how far into the six-hour delay they were.”
Mind the cabbages!
Following winter flight delays at many UK airports, Harold Council has given the thumbs up for an all-weather cover at the ‘airstrip’ behind Church Road allotments. Eschewing technology used at sports venues, the allotment committee has taken a more straightforward approach.
“Of course, we looked at Wimbledon. The strawberries were good but the sliding roof would have cost about £13.6m; even with the Trevor Bayliss hand-wind version.” said committee spokesperson Frank Johnson.
“Anyway, allotment subs had already gone up by £4 this year so we plumped for something a little more affordable, keeping the ‘horticultural look’ of the area. In the end, we ordered heavy-duty polythene covers from Gardman Polytunnels. Funnily enough their ‘Jumbo’ range accommodates a 1930s Douglas Dakota DC3, with over a foot to spare at either wing tip, and might be safe with 25mm of snow and 30mph winds.”
Left a bit!
After initial fierce opposition, England’s druids are reported to be ‘coming round’ to controversial new plans to build London’s fourth airport within a few metres of the ancient monument of Stonehenge.
After the recent closure of the nearby main road, hopes were high that the sacred area would at last be returned to its ancient glory. These hopes were cruelly dashed by the immediate announcement that the space formerly taken by the road would actually be dedicated to a 5km concrete runway, long enough to service the largest long-haul airliners and significantly ease the congestion of London’s other airports.