George Osborne has demanded that England’s emergency supply of pandas are opened, and sent to Scotland to outnumber SNP MPs.
The plan was hatched during a hastily convened COBRA meeting, following yet another quip from Nicola Sturgeon that ‘Tory MPs are outnumbered by pandas in Scotland’.
“We’ve heard that one before”, said Osborne. “In fact this is the 148th time it’s been recorded in Hansard. I’m buttocked if I’m going to let those bummers repeat it again.”
Britain has maintained a panda stockpile since 1948 for diplomacy reasons, handing them out to disgruntled dignitaries who look like they need a cuddle.
“But you know, ‘balls’ that”, grinned Osborne. “Cool chancellors know how to have a laugh. It was either this, or kill the two bears that are already up there, I could easily take them.”
“But they’re rubbish to hunt compared with foxes.”