Harold’s local businesses are taking their lead from some of the countries leading retailers and trying their hardest to reduce their customers to tears in a hope to increase Christmas sales.
Chamber of Commerce Chairwoman Pippa Delaney explained the initiative.
“The idea came to me watching my husband dissolve into a whimpering wreck after the John Lewis and Sainsbury’s contrived tear jerkers. I pitched it to the rest of the Chamber, and we soon came up with some really good ideas to get our punters weeping.”
Julie Kettle from Cuts both Ways scissor emporium is jabbing people in the ribs with her wares, whilst Eddie from the Squirrellickers Arms is simply squirting lemon juice in his patrons eyes and doubling his prices.
Gill Gates from Lacrymans & Co is targeting allergy sufferers by rubbing her kitten in their faces, and Janet Brown from the Anal Museum has really embraced the idea, with entry only allowed to those agreeing to attach nipple clamps for the duration of their visit.
Local police officer PC Anita Flegg has praised the scheme, which she says mirrors her own work.
“When I parked outside the town hall for a minute, Flegg was on me in a second” explained Cllr Ron Ronsson. “I tried to explain that the yellow lines were for official business, but she sprayed me with a can of mace.”
Blinded and disorientated, Ronsson paid his on-the-spot fine immediately. “It might have been a terrible experience but mace and nutmeg always make me feel Christmassy. I might do the same thing next year: it was a lot less trouble than parking at Tesco.”