At a press conference yesterday Michael Gove shared with reporters what he called ‘the pinnacle’ of his education reforms by announcing that from September all four-and-a-half million school pupils in Great Britain and Northern Ireland aged between thirteen and eighteen will attend Eton College.
“This government is totally committed to improving social mobility and giving all young people the chance to succeed and achieve their full potential on their own terms. Unfortunately that’s actually really, really difficult so we thought it would be easier to make everybody the same and an Eton education is the key to absolute conformity.”
Along with the Prime Minster, eight members of the Cabinet, or senior advisers to it, attended Eton as did twenty backbench Tory MPs. Figures that Gove hails as a success.
“David Cameron is, of course, enormously capable but we’ve found that he works best when he’s surrounded by men who look like him, sound like him, think like him and are rich like him. By massively increasing the number of Etonians in the world there’s less chance of him getting distracted by meeting someone who is socially awkward, or worse, on benefits.”
On being asked whether girls would be permitted to attend what is currently an all-boys school Gove had this to say:
“We did hold extensive discussions on whether girls could make the most of an Eton education. After all out of the twenty-seven members of the Cabinet only four are women so there’s a big question mark over whether the ladies, bless them, are capable of thought at the very highest level. In the end we decided to include girls in the scheme and if they muff it we’ll just have to send them somewhere much less rigorous like whatever place eventually managed to teach George Osborne right from left.”
As reporters began questioning Michael Gove on the logistics of millions of teenagers attending one school in Berkshire the press conference suddenly became chaotic with the Education Secretary shouting:
“Hugh Laurie! Hugh Laurie is an Old Etonian and everyone loves him! I love him! Sometimes I just want to stare forever into those blue, blue eyes and have him tell me that everything’s going to be all right. Either in his own voice or that one he put on for House, I’m not bothered. Hugh Laurie! This government will create millions of Hugh Lauries, even if they’re girls! That’s what’ll make this country great again! Hugh Laurie!”
The press conference was swiftly brought to a halt by Gove’s advisers who then gently led him away.