In a move aimed at reducing wasted picnic time and repetitive shooing injuries, Councillor Ron Ronsson is calling for compulsory health warnings on wasps. From Friday, even small wasps will need to be labelled, while non-complaint ones will be seized in a sting operation.
Critics of the legislation have claimed that labelling won’t prevent victims from injury, and are calling instead for an outright ban on the vindictive, stripy little bastards. But the wasp control industry opposes such a move, which could threaten the citronella factory in nearby Felching.
Wasps are an intrinsic part of many European cultures, with cottage industries growing in their wake. “Flappy whacker manufacturing needs this like a hole in the head”, claimed Sophia Vespa of ‘STING’, the Societe Tres Ineffectual pour Negation du Guepes.
“For generations, we have enjoyed the tradition of panicking and wildly flailing at anything airborne, it’s not summer unless someone shrieks and then knocks over your wine. For every black eye, there’s a properly crushed wasp in a Camembert. And Harold is one of our major export markets.”
Pro-wasp lobbyists in Harold are also opposed to the move, forming a rare unity with those that would happily pull their wings off. “We oppose wasp labelling and all discrimination against wasp use. Wasps are not illegal, it’s up to the individual if they choose to wasp or not”, claimed Phil Evans.
“There must be freedom of choice for those that prefer to ignore the harm that wasps can do, something which is fast disappearing in this so called democracy. If you tolerate this, what will be targeted next? Flying ants? Greenfly? Parasitic pubic lice? It makes my skin crawl just to think about it.”
Ron Ronsson and Phil Evans then went out for a smoke.