Alton Towers unveil new ‘Coalition Coaster’

This section represents a Lib Dem promise

Alton Towers have today unveiled the latest thrill ride in their collection. The ‘Coalition Roller Coaster’ has been launched as the theme park’s most ambitious ride yet with many twists and turns, all representative of the ‘journey’ the coalition government has taken.

The ride was designed by John Wardley, who is responsible for many successful rides at the theme park, including the famous Nemesis, and he explained to us the ideas behind the ride.

“Originally the ride was to start as two separate trains, one yellow, one blue, that join together on the way up to the start. As soon as they are fully linked the ride starts with a stomach churning free-fall drop. To add to the feeling of queasiness there were going to be pictures of Cameron and Clegg smiling together in the garden at number 10. This drop would have increased the speed launching you straight into a sudden u-turn which we call ‘tuition fee turn’.”

He continued “The ‘Lib Dem Loop-the-Loop’ designed to make your money fall out of your pocket was next, with the economy then being represented with a ‘double dip’. A ‘corkscrew’ to remind you bankers are still having a good time would have led you into the ‘Tory Tunnel’. This was going to be like a normal tunnel, but without a light at the end, leading you into the unknown.”

Unfortunately Mr Wardley could not tell us how the ride would have originally come to the end as the project was subject to funding cuts and ‘austerity’ but he did promise it would have made us sick.

Instead of this elaborate roller coaster, what was actually revealed was the second option known as ‘High-Speed Coaster 2,’ a straight piece of track that went from one part of the park to another. He explained that with this new roller coaster, the world’s most expensive, you could get from one end to the other ’24 seconds quicker’ than using the sky lift.

The Project meant ploughing straight through the haunted house but that was a ‘small price to pay’ according to a PR officer from Merlin Entertainment, owners of the theme park. ‘We have worked closely with the residents affected, and re-homed them where necessary’ she told us. ‘Some of the ‘ghosts’ have been relocated to the ticket office and souvenir shop. For the rest they can join the longest queue in the whole park, the dole queue.’