Tag Archives: Facebook

by | February 11, 2014 · 7:00 am

Latest neknomination tragedy sees old lady die after swallowing a horse

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Don’t ask why, don’t ask how: just watch and be outraged.

The Facebook drinking game neknomination has claimed another victim as an old lady died shortly after posting a video of herself swallowing a horse.

Mavis Watkins took part in the deadly game after being nominated by her grandson, and initially tried to outdo his effort by swallowing a fly. Seeming to not fully understand the rules she then repeatedly nominated herself to take part in ever more extreme challenges before eventually swallowing the horse that killed her. Continue reading →

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by | February 7, 2014 · 11:00 am

Winter Olympics and smug Facebook posts about boycotting them begin

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Look how hard it is to boycott something that’s on at 5:00 am.

As the Winter Olympics are officially opened in Sochi this afternoon it heralds the start not just of days of thrilling winter sports but also of people posting smug Facebook updates about not watching them.

We asked one such poster why they felt the need to do this. “I want everyone to know that I’m really aware of gay rights and stuff,” replied Harold resident Jason Beesley. “Plus if I come across as sensitive maybe women will want to sleep with me.” Continue reading →

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by | February 5, 2014 · 11:00 am

Oscar nominations dominated by people’s bloody Facebook movies

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We can’t get enough of them!

A shock late rush of Oscar nominations has been announced, consisting entirely of a large selection of those fascinating “My Facebook movie” movies.

These videos are automatically generated by Facebook from a fairly random choice out of all the photos and words you’ve ever posted on the site.

As you’d expect from Facebook, the quality of the resulting movies is so outstanding that the Oscar judges have been obliged to cancel the nominations for all the ‘traditional’ movies this year, replacing them with the artistically superior Facebook ones.

Upcoming Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres spoke today of her joy that ‘American Hustle’, ‘Gravity’ and ‘Captain Phillips’ are being replaced by Melanie Delaney’s uncompromising ‘My Facebook Movie’, Kevin Ronsson’s enchanting ‘My Facebook Movie’, and experimental art-house/Dogme epic ‘My Facebook Movie’ from Simon Kettle (aged 14). Continue reading →

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by | December 15, 2013 · 2:13 pm

Facebook ‘auto-suggest’ means no Chris will be forgotten this Christmas

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With Christmas being one of the most typed words into a status update at the moment, Facebook’s auto-suggest feature is ensuring anyone named Christopher, Chris or Christine will not be forgotten over the festive season.

The feature on the social media platform sees a list of names beginning with Chris pop up every time a user starts typing Christmas.

Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerberg explained: “We introduced the feature to help users remember their friends’ names each time they bang their fists on the keyboard in an attempt to string a sentence together.
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by | November 15, 2013 · 11:00 am

Residents complain at the influx of ‘Bitstrippers’ living in the village

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Residents in the village of Harold have raised their concerns at a public meeting about the arrival of a ‘Bitstrip’ family to the village. The family have moved in next door to Carly Jeffery and her two young children.

Ms Jeffery told us: “I’m no cartoonist, but, these people are just an annoying danger to everyone around them. They are continually setting fire to things and committing other acts of violence, taking photos of themselves in the act and uploading those pictures to Facebook with some stupid comment at the bottom.”

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by | August 18, 2013 · 9:30 am

Prestigious literary award given to local teenager for ‘detailed Facebook updates’.

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There was a shock winner at the Evening Harold Online Literary Awards last night, with the main prize, online writer of the year, going to the relatively unknown local girl Melanie Delaney, 19, for her autobiographical writings on Facebook.

With her friends being kept informed of everything from the idiots on the bus on her way to work, to her decision to use a break in ‘X-Factor’ to ‘pop to the loo’ resulting in her weeing in record time, the judges agreed that no other online writer produced such a detailed account of anything else throughout the year.

“Not only did she give us an insight into how she was feeling with just a single emoticon, she also added mystery and intrigue with updates such as ‘not again’, ‘arse’ and ‘*sigh’”, one of the judging panel explained.
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by | April 11, 2013 · 8:00 am

Haroldbook’s decision to charge for messages causes upset

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Some villagers in Harold have been left distraught by Haroldbook’s decision to start charging users for sending messages to village celebrities outside of their circle of friends. Haroldbook has become a tremendous success since its launch last year by management prodigy Simon Kettle (14) with nearly everyone signing up to the website which allows them to post status updates, list their friends, anonymously harass their enemies and create a fabulous online persona entirely at odds with their real lives.

Haroldbook has been the alleged cause of rows, family break-ups and, last July, a riot when Eddie, landlord of The Squirrel Lickers’ Arms, posted that there would be no more lock ins or take homes. Peace was only restored when it was discovered that Eddie had meant to type that there would be no more Look Ins or Take Hearts as he was throwing out part of his extensive eighties children’s TV collection to make room for a job lot of Thundercats he’d got off eBay.
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