Category Archives: Sport

New ‘Level Crossing’ Grand National fence slammed as ‘needlessly dangerous’

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Bloody hell!

Concerns for the safety of the horses running in today’s Grand National have been heightened by a last-minute change to the course, namely the addition of the controversial new “Level Crossing” fence.

The fence, which animal rights campaigners are calling ‘a timebomb waiting to happen’, consists of the seemingly trivial obstacle of a pair of standard-gauge British railway track rails, complete with sleepers and light ballast. More contentious, however, is the fact that at random intervals a 240-ton Class 31 diesel locomotive express train will use said track to thunder across the racecourse without any warning, instantly killing anything in its path.
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Filed under Dating, Royals, Sport

No mincing about: all the beef on the Grand National

horsecowGrand National 2013 – your guide to the runners and riders, from the Evening Harold’s own racing correspondent!

This year looks like being the most open Grand National for a while, with a mixture of sad puns and frankly disgusting rudeness battling it out over the famous 84 furlongs. But who to bet on? Well, that’s the whole bloody point, isn’t it? So let’s meet the horses.

THE HORSES

RECTAL BAGPUSS

Jockey: P. Yaffle
Sure to win “Best Turned Out”, but does the 43 year old filly still have what it takes to go the distance? No.
Odds: Gabriel the Toad
Our verdict: Mouse organ
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Filed under Golden Showers, Royals, Sport

Lance Armstrong may compete at primary school’s sports day

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Following his withdrawal from a swimming championship in Texas, Lance Armstrong has been sent an invitation to compete at St Mary’s CofE Primary School’s sports day in May.

The annual event falls outside of the jurisdiction of any anti-drug agencies that have imposed a lifetime ban on all competitive sport for the disgraced cyclist, leaving him free to participate in the parents’ races including the 100 meters dash, the sack race, and the highlight of the day, the elite egg and spoon race.

Read the full story here…

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Filed under Education, News, Sport

Controversy as local soccer team names Benito Mussolini as new manager

haroldFC

No left-wingers

In a move likely to raise eyebrows among their grass-roots socialist supporters, local football club Harold Thursday have made the surprising choice of Benito Mussolini as their new manager.

It was well-known that the team desperately needed a new “big name” coach, but the choice of the former fascist leader of Italy is a surprising one nonetheless, given his lack of recent English soccer experience and death in 1945.
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Filed under Around Harold, Dating, Sport

Man granted restraining order against Button, McIlroy and Ennis

Button (left), Ennis (right), the other one (centre)

Button (left), Ennis (right), the other one (centre)

A judge has issued a restraining order banning sports stars Jenson Button, Rory McIlroy and Jessica Ennis from coming within 100 yards of Harold resident David Smith, after he complained of them following him around offering unsolicited financial advice.

Smith has reported a number of incidents over recent weeks ranging from Ennis following him while out jogging, to a more serious case where McIlroy broke into his house at night extolling the virtues of cash ISAs. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Sport, Uncategorized

Report: Competitors ‘slug it out’ in 9th Annual Snail Hurling Championship

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Snails: hard to draw

Played out across the fence behind the Squirrel Lickers Arms, a thrilled crowd was treated to a majestic display by the heroes of the 9th Annual Snail Hurling Championship.

With everything to play for and a largish bucket of snails at his disposal, much was expected from reigning champion Phil Evans.
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Filed under Sport

Moyes makes first mistake as Man U manager after communication error with agent

The danger of auto-correct on a text message

The most awkward managerial unveiling since Rafa went to Chelsea 

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by | February 1, 2013 · 12:00 am