Category Archives: Medicine

by | July 4, 2013 · 7:00 am

Health tourism: Local hospital reviewed. 3 stars

From the outset the décor felt 'clinical'

From the outset the décor felt ‘clinical’

With health tourism on the increase and the NHS being asked to charge more for it’s holiday services, we decided to take a weekend city break at the Luton and Dunstable University Hospital to review the amenities of this growing holiday sector.

Arriving at the hospital on a Friday evening, the first thing that we noticed is the large amounts of Brits that were very drunk and had clearly been fighting. Although we were located between Luton and Dunstable, this could have been any Spanish resort favoured by package holiday travel agents.

The receptionist seemed to be over-worked when we finally reached her desk. We were tenth in line when we joined the end of it, however we did notice the typical holiday problem of other being unable to queue. It seems that at this location arriving in an ambulance gives you priority checking in and saves you a four hour wait. Had it said this in the brochure, we may have opted for the ‘car crash’ option.
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by | July 2, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Urgent Appeal: just £5 a month could buy a Guardian journalist a haircut

guardians

Sometimes we pretend not to notice. Other times, we compliment their clothes. But you can’t hide forever from the ugly truth right  in front of you: Guardian journalists are suffering NOW from Shit Hair.

For just £5 a month, a volunteer hairdresser will pick the biggest bits of cake from the thatch of Julie Burchill. £10 could teach Hadley Freeman how to use a comb. For a generous one-off payment of just £30, you could help Alexis Petridis to trim his own hair with an adult pair of scissors, or at least chew it with a less blunt rodent.

Guardian journalists need YOUR HELP, NOW, before they’re mistaken for tramps by their own interns. Perhaps they do it to make a point of not conforming to stereotypes of attractiveness, perhaps it was really windy on The Tube this morning. Perhaps they all just have really short arms.

Whatever the reason, we need to reach our target of £25,000. That could buy enough conditioner to treat Suzanne Moore.

Don’t just stare at your shoes, look them in the eye and tell them a professional can Probably Sort That Out.

Friends of The Scurf. Together, we can beat canker.

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by | June 28, 2013 · 7:00 am

Mixed reactions as A&E bans junk food

Exactly what we all crave in times of stress.

Anyone who claims to crave this in times of stress is a liar and a hound.

There were mixed reactions in Harold yesterday as its nearest A&E unit at Dunstable Royal Infirmary announced that they have banned junk food. All the vending machines have been emptied and unplugged and the coffee shop has been replaced with a concession of Harold café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!

“We are delighted to be looking after the needs of poor, dear Haroldites who’ve had a mishap,” trilled owner Pippa Delaney. “Now instead of thoughtlessly gorging themselves on sweet tea and crisps as they wait for treatment they can enjoy pickled mustard greens, soy puffs and lovely avocado sushi all washed down with a range of sugar-free fruit cordials.” Continue reading →

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