Alright, maybe not everyone

As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins.

“It’s shite, isn’t it?” said villager and professor of economics, Julia Hogsburn. “On paper it sounds like it should work but then in the real world there’s chaos, the one per cent buying countless properties they’ll never live in while more and more people sleep in the streets, a Cabinet of millionaires braying at the rest of us to tighten our belts and to be grateful while we’re doing so, everything that’s happening to the NHS, Sir Philip Green being able to write off £1.5 billion BHS debt for a pound, and Simon Cowell. I’m sure he’d be impossible in a fairer society.”

“Our worth as human beings has been redefined as our net worth,” she continued. “We’ve gone badly wrong. It’s so depressing. I think I’ll nip up the shops and buy some tat in an attempt to heal the void within and then buy some lottery tickets.”