Soap opera suicide: tears as Coalition Street character kills themselves

Sad but inevitable. The Nick Clegg character had long ceased to be useful.

Viewers of the soap opera Coalition Street are advised to have the tissues handy for tonight’s episode which promises to be a serious tearjerker as Nick Clegg will be seen choosing assisted suicide over annihilation at the next general election.

Clegg has been a character in Coalition Street since the very first episode was broadcast on 11th May 2010. While initially ‘Nasty Nick’ was a hit with viewers who enjoyed watching him turning his back on everything the Liberal Democrats stood for and play a key role in the largest drop in the standard of living since World War II, after a few months they became bored of watching him do the same thing again and again. Coalition Street’s writers desperately tried to inject some fresh life into the character by having Clegg become a DJ and sometimes not wear a tie however these antics fell flat.

“We tried our best with Nick,” head Coalition Street writer Lynton Crosby told us. “But we admit that there’s nothing more we could’ve done with him and acknowledge that viewers were tired of watching him drifting in and out of scenes  endlessly saying ‘I agree with David’ and not much else.”

Tonight Nick Clegg will be seen confirming his intention to die and being assisted in this mission by Vince Cable. However it is the scenes before Cable hands over the pills that are guaranteed to get tears flowing up and down the land when Clegg will be seen killing his strange yet faithful pet, Danny Alexander, out of the belief that no one else could ever love him.

“Nick was good for Coalition Street in the early days,”said Lynton Crosby. “But now he won’t be missed at all.”