Ed Miliband to lose charitable status

More wasteful than a panda charity.

Ailing opposition leader Ed Miliband has lost his charitable status, according to union leaders.

The GMB’s General Secretary, Paul Kenny, explained that ‘like an elderly aunt who’s riddled with cancer, the time has come to stop throwing money at a lost cause’, before adding ‘we must accept that he isn’t going to get any better’.

Since he was first discovered in 2010, Ed Miliband has absorbed millions of pounds of funding. But experts admit that they’ve found out virtually nothing about him, what he thinks or why his face doesn’t work properly.

Supporters of Miliband insist he’s not going to give in without a fight, and have released a ‘before’ and ‘after’ picture to prove he’s on the mend. But some claim the move was a catastrophic ‘own goal’, because the ‘after’ image turned out to be his brother, David.

The shadow cabinet is no stranger to people being kept alive long after all hope has gone, although doctors have at last labelled Ed Balls ‘nil by mouth’.

A specialist in terminal uselessness explained a little more about Ed Miliband’s condition. “Politically he is like Nelson Mandela”, claimed Dr Jemimah Woodrow. “Not that he’s a reformer that millions of people will remember and praise for years to come; more that he is barely hanging on but somehow manages to keep going.”

Woodrow said that it was brave of those around Ed to pretend that everything was going to be OK, even though everyone knew his inevitable end will come soon.

Traditionally, Unions have been generally supportive of feckless hypocrites, but only ones that are in charge. However in this case Paul Kenny has offered to pull the life support personally, in case Miliband’s utter pointlessness proves to be infectious.

Some are going further and suggesting that rather than waiting for ailing opposition members to pass on naturally, there should instead be a cull. “We’ve already seen Alistair Darling gunned down just outside Westminster”, admitted Woodrow. “But that was probably just because he looked like a badger.”