Mostly grey and a bit scruffy? Then four-ply is more likely than foreplay
Yet another problem for Harold WI it seems, following last year’s celebrated mix-up over ‘dog walking’ and ‘dogging’.
“We’d rather hoped those admin problems were behind us,” said WI Chairwoman Jane Fondant “although we did have a welcome surge in membership after ‘The Great 2013 Cock Up.”
Sadly there was fresh disappointment on Monday evening. Locals and visiting members from as far away as Leighton Buzzard gathered in a packed Village Hall, to hear Daphne Rogers’ illustrated lecture on Imaginative ideas for Foreplay.
“Daphne rummaged in her bag then, instead of lavender massage oil and chocolate sauce, hauled out two skeins of wool and a set of knitting needles.” says Fondant “It soon became only too clear she was determined to teach us all about four-ply knitting.”
After last year’s confusion Harold WI had been forced to remind villagers that husbands are allowed only at Invitation Events. “If there was any encouragement to take from Monday evening, it’s that no men turned up, so they’d clearly listened. Or more interested in dogging than foreplay ? No, that’s not very likely”.
Harold’s annual Christmas Fayre will be held at the weekend and promises to be another exciting occasion.
The sensation of last year’s event was Mavis Bottomley’s Nettle & Blackcurrant Jelly which she later revealed had been strained through a vintage pair underpants belonging to her husband, Ted, to “obtain that unique earthy flavour”.
This year the couple have had a crack at producing their own human civet coffee. “Initially we tried enlisting the assistance of the cat, but eventually Ted threw his hat into the ring and we started production,” said Mavis.
Move along, nothing to see here
Harold’s Women’s Institute has formally apologised for a misunderstanding which lead to great disappointment for members and potential members alike.
“My apologies to all who came expecting the advertised lecture on dogging at our August meeting.” explained WI Chair Jane Moorhead “It seems that a simple spellchecking and proof reading error had replaced the original ‘dog-walking’”.
“Full marks to our guest speaker Daphne Rogers though, whose inspiring talk on her work with the RNIBin Dunstable did much to dispel the evident frustration of some more vocal members and their, uninvited, husbands.
“Just a few procedural points here for some WI members, who really should know better. Booing is never acceptable, nor is throwing things, particularly at the speaker. Finally, we’re exempt from the Equality Act so husbands or male partners may only attend specific events. No names, no pack drill, Alice.”
Given the level of interest though, Moorhead wants to hear from anyone able to give a talk on dogging. “We’ve slot in October, which may be a better bet than August. The clocks will have gone back by then but the pub car park lighting will probably still be out”.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing? No idea, but I’m looking forward to finding out.”
The only bush to be shaped with wax strips
There were blushes at the annual Harold Flower Show yesterday, when it was realised that the winning entry for the bush topiary section had been created from the pubic hair of the successful gardener’s wife.
Jane Fondant, leader of the local Women’s Institute and sponsor of the prize, admitted that the entry was within competition rules. “There was nothing to say that the entry had to be fashioned from the green foliage of a bush; but naturally we were thinking of a shrub rather than Mrs Kennedy’s nether regions. Things have changed a lot in the WI since Calendar Girls, and we are keen to embrace, as it were, anything that distances us from the old jam and Jerusalem image.”