Tag Archives: votes

Sajid Javid won ‘at least five votes’ from letting Shamima Begum’s baby die

Home secretary Sajid Javid, has been congratulated for convincing ‘at least five’ people to vote Conservative after his decision to revoke the British citizenship of Shamima Begum, whose baby son has died in a Syrian refugee camp.

“Shamima’s baby, who was British, was allowed to die purely to satisfy the animal rage of people who wanted to glory in saying ‘I told you so’ to a girl who was groomed at age 15′, explained a Home Office spokesperson, “And we think that’s great.”

Clear-thinking commentators from a range of newspapers owned by foreign billionaires were unanimous that Javid’s neglect of a British baby was a master-stroke.

“The thing you have to remember,” drawled Reginald Bastard from the Daily Monster, “is that month-old babies tend not to vote, and the same thing can probably be said for 15-year-old groomed schoolgirls.”

“Our readers, on the other hand, are voters one and all, and getting them onside with a touch of sickening populism is a pretty smart move.”

“We reckon they’ve probably won a good half a dozen voters here, which is probably more than they’ve got in the last two years.”

Javid’s next move was unclear at time of going to press, but unconfirmed reports claimed he has been sighted high up at the crater of an active volcano, poised to throw a refugee child into the bubbling lava below and screaming at all the Gods to bring improved poll results to his Bromsgrove constituency.

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Filed under Children, Politics, War

Idiots still believe social media posts count as much as voting

“Yay, I done a ‘mocracy. Go me. See you in five years.”

Asses, fools and prating coxcombs across the UK continue to insist that posting memes is as important as voting.

“It absolutely is,” insisted part-time shelf stacker and full time social justice warrior Kat McAllister. “I’ve been posting up to twenty anti-Tory memes a day for the last three days such is my commitment to getting them out and securing a better future for us all. Will I actually go to the polling station? Nah, I haven’t got time.” Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017