“Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”
Notorious skiver Ferris Bueller has spoken of his truancy regrets, now that he’s trapped in a dead-end job in Harold.
Despite a privileged upbringing and an above-average IQ, Bueller preferred to spend his schooldays ruining Italian cars and singing Liverpudlian songs in the traffic.
When his parents moved to England, Bueller’s ‘illness’ was cured by the NHS, but he continued to fake his way through the education system.
Sugar-coated statins ‘delicious deep fried’.
Fat people and smokers alike have welcomed a report into the safety of statins, and are planning to celebrate by eating a big cake and then popping outside for a fag.
With questions raised over side-effects from Britain’s favourite wonder drug, some bloaters had feared they may be forced into changing their lifestyle.
But now the British Medical Journal has given the pills the all-clear, sweating, gasping middle-aged people are looking forward to ordering some big pants and gradually cutting down on their exercise.
“When I read that statins might be bad for me, I dropped my tray of donuts in shock”, said Harold resident Malcolm Evans. “Then I felt a bit clammy, and my left arm started to hurt. It’s reckless, spreading scare stories like that. I nearly took responsibility for my own mortality.”
Male Masterchef contestants have complained that they ‘have no way of winning’ following new rules that mean they have to leave the kitchen tidy.
While soufflés and reductions hold no fear for men in the tea-cooking contest, wiping a damp cloth around the worktops afterwards is more than many can manage.
Hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode have winced at the attempts by some men to clean up after themselves. They fear that just the thought of having to leave the place spotless will make many contestants ‘dumb down’ their menus to avoid mess.
Extracts from last night’s show seem to support this.
Fisher (voiceover): Ricky has made his signature dish of cooled-over beans served in a tin cylinder. His workstation remains spotless.
Filed under Culture, Food, War