Tag Archives: ketchup

Church sues Heinz for turning innocent poster into ketchup logo

Do you want friars with that?

Do you want friars with that?

The American church of Saint Tom the Martyr in Tennessee is taking legal action against the enormous Kraft Heinz Company after belatedly realising that the food manufacturer had stolen its logo for the last 140 years and used it on a sauce bottle.

The famous emblem of the church (pictured) shows a stylised version of the cross in green, representing rebirth, against a red background, clearly meant to show the blood of the saviour.

The two red dots represent either the wounds made by the nails which held Jesus to the cross, or a pair of ripe tomatoes, depending on the interpretation.

The logo was a favourite design of pilgrims hundreds of years ago, and has been on display outside the church since 1875.

It was apparently only months later that food entrepreneur Henry Heinz spotted it and realised in a flash that he should add a tomato sauce to his portfolio.

“I saw the ‘catch-up’ line and it rang a bell, somehow,” he explained in his memoir I Copied The Ketchup Logo Off A Church Sign.

“The I saw the ‘lettuce’ and ‘relish’ lines, and that just clicked somehow.”

“But I still had no idea what flavour to make the relish until I read the last line – ‘Cuz He loves me from my head to-ma-toes’ – then it hit me, of course!”

“And after a year of making revolting head flavour relish, I thought I might as well try tomatoes instead. And there we are.”

“Lucky, really.”

As the matter is now in the hands of the lawyers, there was no comment from the church leader, the enigmatic Pastor Mayonnaise.

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Clarkson in trouble over ketchup tweet

clarkson

He doesn’t look like he’s enjoying that.

Jeremy Clarkson became embroiled in yet more pointless anger yesterday after tweeting about putting ketchup on a bacon sandwich.

Professional distraction Clarkson caused outrage amongst opinionated breakfast fans, after tweeting “I am eating breakfast. It is a bacon sandwich. I have put tomato ketchup in it.”

“He really is a monster”, responded one self-titled meat-and-bread specialist. “It’s ‘red for sausage, brown for bacon’: that’s the law.”

“Tweeting about ketchup and bacon in this way is childish and provocative. Who knows how many idiots out there will now try and copy him?”
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McDonald’s to replace ketchup with orangutan blood

barrow of apes

Urangutans are delivered to ape rendering plant using low carbon transport

Following the discovery that Heinz ketchup doesn’t have any affect on rain forests, McDonald’s has announced it will phase the condiment out in favour of orangutan blood.

McDonald’s restaurants have served Heinz ketchup for over 40 years, despite the tomato-based product actually tasting of something. But now Heinz has realigned the product by popping it in the bin, and using something more typically bland that you don’t want to think about where it came from.

“Orangutans are the ideal source for orangutan blood and it’s a source that’s  sustainable, for at least as long as there are orangutans”, explained Nigel Manning, the company’s head of near-human resauces. “There have been a few teething problems with this natural product being a little bit too runny, but our food scientists are busy tackling that problem.”
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