Ronaldo gives instructions to his accountants
After announcing that Jose Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo are being investigated for tax fraud, embarrassed Spanish officials have admitted that nobody in the country has actually paid any tax since 2010.
“We thought that we were a bit light on cash lately and when we dug into it we discovered that is because we haven’t collected any taxes at all in seven years, so we are now setting about rectifying this.” said a prosecutor, who reckons he hasn’t paid any tax himself since at least 2008 now he comes to think about it.
“It is an easy mistake to make. For example Continue reading
Have you seen these people? They may no longer be wearing the wigs. And definitely won’t be smiling.
Metropolitan Police have issued a public appeal for information as they search for thousands of Manchester United fans who appear to have gone missing since Sunday afternoon.
The appeal comes after vast numbers of fans described as “generally sociable and outspoken” abruptly stopped replying to any form of contact from around 4.01pm yesterday. Continue reading
invited onto every single, bloody politics programme
UKIP’s MP Douglas Carswell says it’s time his party had a fresh face as leader.
“I’ve no-one particularly in mind” said Mr Carswell “but wouldn’t it be sensible for it to be one of our MPs? Someone who commands the confidence of the whole parliamentary party and gives an optimistic message for the future?”
Party leader Nigel Farage says he is unperturbed by implied criticism of his leadership style and that anyone who would rat-out their party and defect to a one-song choir like UKIP Continue reading
Just make sure you don’t die laughing
The only way for the UK public to be completely safe from dangerous attacks is to stand in front of Chelsea strikers, preferably in the goal, according to Metropolitan police chief Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe.
“Today’s Leytonstone station attack shows that the risk of terror attacks remains very high. The best way to be safe from attack is to position yourself in front of the Chelsea strikers as near to the goal as possible. Standing near Chelsea’s toothless midfield is also quite a good option” said Sir Bernard.