Trust me, why would I lie to you?
Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.
“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading
I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths, such as David Cameron and George Osborne
Dr Wollaston, Tory chairman of the Health Select Committee, has clambered aboard the other EU referendum horse and galloped off in the opposite direction.
“It was a shock to find that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove were psychopaths, lying about spending £350 million a week more on the NHS. Who knew?” said Dr Wollaston yesterday. “So I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths such as David Cameron and George Osborne.”
Wollaston was pleased that she could both remain a Tory MP and retain her professional integrity.
“And luckily. my position on the Hippocratic Oath is unaffected. There’s nothing in there about selling off the NHS.”
Trust me, I was a commodities trader
UKIP’s leader has clarified that, after a Leave vote, all the good things about the EU will carry on because it’s only the bad things that will disappear.
“May I give you an analogy?” roared Farage, adding, without a pause “It’s like a divorce. The jilted one won’t shred the contents of their partner’s wardrobe and scatter the smoking remnants in the front garden. Or leave his classic vinyl collection in the microwave.” Continue reading
If we vote to Remain he’ll just keep on going, like a Duracell Bunny
The UK woke up this morning to the awful news that there’s still a calendar month to go, before deciding on the political careers of Boris, IDS, Osborne, and Gove.
“Not even four weeks – a proper month.” said Harold Teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Thirty one bloody days. Seven hundred and forty four soul-destroying sodding hours. And I’m an insomniac, so I’ll be awake for most of them!” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Osborne says Brexit threatens the simplest pleasures
George Osborne says leaving the EU will make it harder for the average British Cabinet Minister to buy the German sex toys they take for granted.
Chancellor Osborne said soaring tariffs on common everyday items such as studded dog collars, rubber underpants, and full-body gimp suits, would force people to make the tough choice between living the life of perversion they were accustomed too, and keeping that second home.
David Cameron says he hadn’t want to unduly alarm voters, so previously he’d just warned that Brexit would lead to a complete economic collapse and World War III, but the cruel reality is that a ‘leave vote’ means the public could lose the best and most loved Prime Minister and Chancellor they’d ever had.
“I know the affection in which George and I are held by the British people, and it doesn’t bear thinking about how upset people will be if we lose our jobs” explained Cameron. “There’ll be wailing in the streets, teeth will be gnashed.”
Is there something worrying lurking beneath something worrying?
“UKIP claims their members are one in purpose” says Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis “but it beggars belief that they all think the same on a matter as important as the EU referendum”.
A BBC Newsnight investigation, to be screened on Wednesday, reveals a likely conspiracy amongst leading members of UKIP. While other parties allow their parliamentary party free rein to support the “In” and “Out” campaigns according to their conscience, Maitlis notes that “UKIPs MP remains suspiciously unanimous in his support for leaving the EU”. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
‘Project Fear’ turns to ‘Project Pure Terror’
The consequences of a Brexit just got more serious after David Cameron said he’ll do a Kim Kardashian and post a naked selfie if Britain votes to leave the EU.
For many Brexit fans, ‘Project Fear’ has now become ‘Project Pure Terror’.
“Shit’s just got real” said local headmaster Clive Morris. “A Cameron nude selfie might not break the internet, but it would certainly leave it rather soiled.”
“… I must just splutter, look bemused, and tousle my hair for a bit”
Ego-warrior Boris Johnson has reversed a ban on his Mayor of London staff opposing Brexit, which appeared to reveal him as a massive hypocrite. He also offered his sincere apologies to anyone who’d foolishly thought him a man of unimpeachable integrity.
“As soon as I knew I’d been rumbled Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Prepared for what?
Aston Villa will vote to leave the English Premier League in May unless other teams agree to concede a significant number of goals, according to their chairman Steven Hollis.
“We are serious about a May Axit from the EPL unless we get an improved deal from the other teams. We’re not talking one goal here, or two goals there, we need our opponents to concede at least 6 or 7 goals per game for us to remain competitive” said Mr Hollis.
tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?
The horrifying realisation they will have to choose between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith has put most people in the UK off their breakfast.
People thinking of voting to stay in the EU are worried they will be seen to be supporting hands-free interactions with pigs, while potential Brexit voters don’t want to give the impression they agree ‘fit to work’ means ‘currently breathing, or warm enough so resuscitation is still possible’.
Filed under Europe, Politics
” Oh no, she’s still alive isn’t she?”
EU ‘inners’ and ‘outers’ have both prayed in aid the late Margaret Thatcher, leaving many uncertain about which way she wants them to vote.
Norman Tebbit who’s cadaverous appearance lends weight to his claim to know Mrs Thatcher’s current views, has been widely quoted across all news media, dismissing claims that she would vote Continue reading
Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice
A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”
The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.
“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, Continue reading