A gang, known simply as The Government, is planning an audacious fracking heist, it emerged today.
The gang were heard briefly discussing the matter in Westminster but when challenged to a debate, they ran away laughing.
Friends of the gang will tunnel into shale gas reserves, hidden under areas of outstanding natural beauty, then make off with wheely bins full of cash.
Fracking is a complex process where the ruling party uses high-pressure economic strategies to squeeze every last penny out of the country and into their friends’ pockets.
A gang member, Dave, sought to put things in perspective. “Critics claim that this process often causes collapse of society. But, as we know, there is no such thing as society. Anyway, it will make my rich friends even more rich. I do hope that clears up any misunderstanding.”
The Goverment won’t take part in the raid itself, although individual members are expected to receive a cut of the loot later, in the form of lucrative company directorships and consultancies.
“Emissions? No, this cigar has a catalytic converter.”
Rogues have come a long way from the fifties and sixties, where they were marginalised into cheeky but loveable roles on the fringes of the economy; think George Cole as Arthur Daley.
You now find rogues occupying important roles in industry, finance and the public sector. But there is still “much to do” say leading rogues, as they continue to be blamed for many of societies ills.
From institutional racism in the police, to systematic greed in the banking sector, the finger is often pointed at a rogue.
And now VW, who find themselves engulfed by emissions test fixing scandals, are suggesting that rogues working as engineers at VW are to blame.
“We just do what they allow us to do,” writes an anonymous rogue in a book that promises to ” lift the lid ” on rogue culture, breaking their strict code of silence.
“Or we just do what everyone else is doing…but with a naughty glint in our eye, and a cheeky smile.”
However rogue community leaders have distanced themselves from the new book, dismissing it as the work of a rogue rogue.
Wee hee, I got 5p!
The dolphin community are said to be excitedly doing backflips at the news that all supermarkets are to charge shoppers 5p per plastic bag in an attempt to save the environment.
Southend tour boat operator Gavin Erikson said a local dolphin that follows his boat around, Ono, was distraught that her eldest son became entangled in 20 plastic bags and drowned, but Ono’s anguish turned to delight upon finding that the 20 bags were worth £1.
Erikson said the word must have got round other dolphins as there was a spate of groundings as dolphins tried to wriggle up Southend beach in an attempt to reach the plastic bags at the waterfront Tescos.
Green or Brown?
The farmer whose field has been occupied by anti fracking eco warriors has hit out at way the protesters treated his land.
Although the protesters have been very careful to organise regular recycling collections for refuse, they have refused to use port-a-loos due to the perceived pollution risks from the toilets’ chemical cleaning agents, preferring to use ‘more natural’ disposal methods.
“It all very well that MP wiping her arse with a dock leaf in the interests of communing with nature, but the end product still has to be cleared from the hedge,” said Harold farmer, Lionel Garage. Continue reading