Tag Archives: Clarkson

Dermot O’Leary to host Bland Gear


An inanimate object, in front of a racing car.

Evergrey favourite Dermot O’Leary has been chosen by the BBC to host a new show about the mundanity of transport.

Fun-tolerating Dermot, 61, welcomed his new challenge, and has pledged to own a car in the near future.

“This is an exciting time”, said O’Leary, with 13.53pm in mind.

“A lot of the 350 million worldwide viewers of Top Gear were put off by its shameless entertainment, and that’s something I’m here to nip in the bud.”

Dermot is looking forward to presenting his update of ‘a star in a reasonably underpowered car’, where the aim is to use the least fuel in an unfilmed lap of the track.
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Sky announce Hammond v May pay-per-view fight: both aim to be sacked


Circle Finger, 3 rounds, contact wins contract.

With heavyweight Clarkson no longer a contender, James ‘Ironing’ May and Richard ‘Anklebiter’ Hammond are hoping to follow in his footsteps and get sacked by the BBC.

In a pay-per-view fight exclusive to Sky, the two featherwits will attempt to punch their way out of their contracts.

“May doesn’t scare me”, said Hammond. “Except when he stands up, looks disapprovingly at me, moves suddenly, wears a bright shirt or mentions me on Twitter.”

With a double knockout seen by many as the only way of getting out of a world Top Gear tour, both gladiators have been practising moving their arms.
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Dave’s output will more than half if Top Gear is cancelled

image Digital TV station Dave has admitted if the BBC don’t film anymore of the motoring show Top Gear, their output will fall by more than half in two years’ time.

With Top Gear repeating on “the home of witty banter” more than Brussels sprouts repeat on the consumers of a Christmas dinner, it has become a staple of their schedule. The potential cancellation of the hit show will leave a massive gap on the channel.
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Clarkson in trouble over ketchup tweet


He doesn’t look like he’s enjoying that.

Jeremy Clarkson became embroiled in yet more pointless anger yesterday after tweeting about putting ketchup on a bacon sandwich.

Professional distraction Clarkson caused outrage amongst opinionated breakfast fans, after tweeting “I am eating breakfast. It is a bacon sandwich. I have put tomato ketchup in it.”

“He really is a monster”, responded one self-titled meat-and-bread specialist. “It’s ‘red for sausage, brown for bacon’: that’s the law.”

“Tweeting about ketchup and bacon in this way is childish and provocative. Who knows how many idiots out there will now try and copy him?”
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Jeremy Clarkson opens UK’s first Troll Bridge

troll brige

Clarkson entertains a worker by pointing out his ethnicity.

Motoring bigot Jeremy Clarkson has opened the first troll bridge in Britain, which allows drivers to abuse migrant workers and then drive off at speed.

Snipping the BBC red tape using a sort of scissor sign with his fingers, Clarkson explained that this represented England’s victory at Agincourt.

“The troll bridge gives motorists a chance to express themselves”, said Clarkson. “But being in a car, you can roar away before the recipient can complain.”

Clarkson explained how the system works. “You stop at the barrier, racially abuse the member of staff in the booth, then congratulate yourself on having a nicer car than them.”
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Top Gear under fire for faking Richard Hammond’s personality


Presenter ‘basically a sausage and cardboard’

The BBC has again been forced to apologise for Top Gear, after it was revealed that Richard Hammond’s personality had been faked.

Hammond, a 4’9″ pile of crudely moulded spam, has been used by the show regularly to make up the number of oafs. But audiences weren’t explicitly told that he was a shaped heap of minced cheap cuts, a situation the BBC admitted was ‘regrettable’.

“When we agreed to Clarkson’s demands for a meat-based dwarf gollum, we didn’t think anyone would take it too seriously”, insisted BBC Apologizer Quentin Sharpes. “It’s pretty obvious it’s just made from hair gel and the eyes of a Slow Loris, topped off with a massively oversized watch.”
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