Tag Archives: chemical weapons

England’s new strip ‘not exactly ideal’ says Southgate

Gareth Southgate has written to FIFA complaining that his squad’s 2018 World Cup strip may hinder them on the counter-attack.

The new kit, designed by the FA and built by chemical warfare clothing company Nuke, may test the team’s mobility on the pitch, he said.

“Defensively, there’s no real problem,” said Southgate, “apart from Joe Hart’s backside constantly triggering the goal-line technology. Come to think of it, he does that anyway.” Continue reading

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Filed under Defence, International News, Sport, Technology, War, World Cup

United Airlines security drag ‘grateful’ Sean Spicer from Whitehouse press briefing

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has thanked a United Airlines security squad who stepped in after he became unable to stop declaring that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during World War Two.

“I just couldn’t stop saying outrageous things, digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. My brain could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it was powerless to stop the flow, so I can only thank these airline thugs for stepping in when they did and dragging me away from the lectern.”

In the hastily arranged press conference to handle Hitler-comparison-gate Spicer also expressed his gratitude for the bloody nose they gave him. “I didn’t ask them to hit me in the face, but these guys knew in that split second that it was what I needed most. Good work, men, and God bless America. ”

But Spicer may have stirred fresh controversy by going on to praise the United Airlines team’s ability to follow orders as “more committed than even the most diligent SS guards”

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Golden Showers, International News, News, Trump, USA

Cheshire finally gains chemical weapon capability

cheshire panzer division

Observers spot appallingly modified Range Rover near Wilmslow.

Cheshire has declared it has a ‘significant chemical weapon capability’ after winning an online auction for Syria’s old stock.

While its new deadly status is just beginning to sink in, the rogue county has already drawn up a series of demands and issued a statement of intent.

“These weapons will allow us to defend ourselves against anyone foolish enough to launch an attack”, claimed the northern territory.

“One more quip from Jeremy Clarkson about ‘onyx coffee tables’ or ‘Range Rooneys’ and we’ll have no option but to melt his big face.”
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Filed under News, Politics