Astride the blue recycling bin
Snails have been feeling upbeat today after moving up a rung on the evolutionary ladder, according to a new study using the Brexit negotiations as a benchmark.
“Talk about deja vu,” said John Snail. “I’ve been all the way to the bins and back and the talks still haven’t moved. I’ve seen grass grow faster. It would be quicker if I set off to France myself and negotiated a deal with an escargot. It would probably be a better deal too. And with less slime.”
They’ll thank me later. They always do.
Ukippers and other idiots are still keen on giving the UK a damned hard brexit, often waking early, drenched in various bodily fluids, after a night spent fantasising about it.
With the referendum won, right-wingers are managing their otherwise empty internal worlds by dreaming of giving us all a really good brexiting. “The UK may say be saying ‘no’ but I know better,” explained Continue reading
If you look carefully, you’ll see Nigel Farage directing the actors
Shortly after David Davis said that Brexit was “‘as complicated as moon landing”, conspiracy theorists across the country muttered “It’ll all be faked.”, tapped their noses, and adopted knowing smiles.
Harold conspiracy theorist Adam Cassidy, who knows that cannabis cures cancer, aliens landed at Roswell, and Tories have your best interests at heart, says the 1978 documentary Capricorn One proves that governments repeatedly fool Continue reading
Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough
Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.
Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”
Promising ‘no income tax, no VAT’ and touting his ability to speak most European languages, Del Boy Trotter, AKA David Jason, says he and sidekick Rodney are the men to negotiate a Brexit trade deal.
“Low tariffs, how bout no tariffs for a bonnet de douche deal?” said Jason. Britain will be the envy of this immortal curl. This time next year, we’ll all be millionaires!”