Ukip have come under increasing pressure to stop getting their tit out in public. After offering its opinions on a wide range of issues from immigration to breastfeeding, critics have said although they respect the right of the party to get their tit out in public, many people find it ’embarrassing’ and occasionally ‘offensive’.
Defending their stance, a campaigner for public decency said: “We understand that sometimes they have to get him out, and that is often dictated by nature.
“For example, when there a foreigner that he’s not married to to have a go at or there’s the scent of a rather nice ale in the air.
Signs of ageing ‘hardly noticeable’ until you blow them up and draw round them in red.
Professional harridans have warned readers of certain downmarket papers that the Duchess of Cambridge could be slowly ageing, it can be revealed.
Despite marrying into the Royal family and being quite thin, less professional journalists believe that there’s a chance Kate Middleton is still getting older.
Such a move by the Duchess will be a seen as a blow by the royals, and is likely to turn the public against her.
“No wonder she’s not a proper princess”, complained Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “If I’d married Wills, I wouldn’t dream of giving in to the passage of time. And the coat she was wearing made her look a bit ‘mumsy’. I expect she’ll be dumped soon and it serves her right, the frumpy bitch.”
As the law banning breastfeeding in public anywhere in Harold today comes into force villagers remain divided over the issue.
‘We never had breastfeeding when I was a lad. Not with there being a war on,’ said lifelong Haroldite Tom Stalling. ‘My granddaughter just had her youngest christened; afterwards we had a bit of a do in the Squirrel Lickers and she breastfed little Alfie during it. It’s easy in pubs, you just avert your eyes and head to the bar as soon as woman with a baby in her arms undoes a button.’
A dissenting opinion was expressed by Professor Julia Hogsburn. ‘Yes, yes it’s all very natural and delightful I’m sure but my problem with it is that women who breastfeed in public usually turn into one of those women. The sort who can’t imagine that we’re not all entranced by this wonderful example of motherhood and would prefer to get through our day without someone waving their boobs around and babbling about latching on as if it is something other than meaningless.’