‘David Furnishings’, Littlehampton’s premier homeware and soft fabrics website, has mysteriously gone offline, it was reported today.
Customers had reported difficulties accessing the site over the last few days, and this morning it was completely inaccessible to any customers from the UK, although overseas browsers remained unaffected.
“It’s a disaster, to by honest,” explained proprietor Jeremy David, after whom the business is named. “It seems that only people abroad can see the site at all, and how many customers in Brisbane are going to want to buy a sofa cover from Littlehampton, even it is made from a soft but durable wool/polyester mix? Not many, I’ll tell you that.”
Big Brother studio, Elstree: who needs Guantánamo Bay?
The government has announced plans to contain British jihadis who are returning from Syria by the dozen, running scared from the world’s most violent and regressive gap year scheme.
“We can’t revoke passports and we can’t leave them stateless,” said Theresa May. “But what we can do is ensure that they are placed in a secure environment away from the any publicity or internet access.”
“The Big Brother house is perfect,” she enthused. “It’s got great security and no one’s paid it the slightest attention since 2002.”
Producers at Channel 5 have been congratulated and thanked by the British public for the most secretive series of Big Brother yet.
The current run, which started just over a week ago, has some of today’s biggest names such as Jim Davidson and Lionel Blair yet has still managed to slip under the radar of even the most discerning youthful telly addicts.