“The less I know, the better I like it. Don’t bother me with facts.”
“I was sitting at my desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut as usual, when I had an epiphany” said the Home Secretary today. “Like when I decided to have rich parents, it was a no-brainer. With no link between police numbers and crime it didn’t make sense for me to have armed officers ‘protecting me’ 24/7, so I asked Cressida Dick to move them to other duties. The Downing Street coppers are going next week and traffic police by the end of June.”
Rudd has a no-nonsense approach to work, born out of her down-with-the-kids schooling at Cheltenham Ladies’ College. Although she went on to read History at University, Rudd believes learning from the experience of others is futile. “No, I much prefer to learn from my own foolish Continue reading
Give it a few months and this is what’ll be like every time you nip down the shops
As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading
“I’M NO XENOPHOBE BUT …”
Police say Amber Rudd’s nasty 2016 conference speech is not being treated as a crime because, “Duh. Hello? Because she’s our boss, stupid”.
“No, we’ve recorded it as a hate incident instead” said a West Midlands Police spokesperson “which means no crime investigation, and no interview under caution for our guvnor. Anything else we can help you with? Must go now as I’ve got an appointment with the Home Office to discuss Police pay and conditions.” Continue reading
Brave PC defends himself against a woman armed with beads
A group protesting Amber Rudd’s decision against an Orgreave enquiry has been flattened by a mounted troop of baton-swinging police officers.
Today’s retro cavalry-charge was “a limited, proportionate response and rather nostalgic,” a South Yorkshire Police spokeswoman explained, adding “anyway one of them looked a bit like Arthur Scargill, so they were asking for it. Continue reading
Him and Matt Baker run a fight club #FACT
Despite most Brits being obese city dwellers who wouldn’t know a badger if they found one in their kitchen whipping up a batch of parkin, Amber Rudd has announced that every citizen of Brexit Britain is now required to watch Countryfile. Continue reading
Foreigners seen here preparing traditional kebab dinner
Monarchists have reacted angrily to proposed new rules in which royal families will be forced to announce how many foreigners they contain.
Government proposals for the “naming and shaming” of monarchies with high numbers of immigrant royals were designed to “promote English nobility”, but instead risk penalising hard-working Greeks or Germans who contribute greatly to our society by taking massive civil list payments, according to a spokesman from Who’s Who.
“People like Prince Philip come here looking for a better life, and who can blame them,” insisted a Buckingham Palace insider.
“First things first though” said Rudd “Is it inquiry or enquiry?”
The Home Secretary is to launch an inquiry, into why the head of the inquiry into why heads of inquiries resign, has resigned.
With inquiries into inquiries consuming an increasingly large proportion of the Home Office budget, a concerned Amber Rudd spoke yesterday. “We need to put a brake on it soon and I hope this new inquiry should do the job for us”.
“Otherwise the Chancellor might well order an inquiry into the costs of the bloody things.” Continue reading