Tag Archives: Amber Rudd

Twitchy Tories offer police and prison officers bribe before it all kicks off

Give it a few months and this is what’ll be like every time you nip down the shops

As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading

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Police: Amber Rudd’s speech was a ‘hate incident’, not a ‘hate crime’, as it was made by Amber Rudd

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“I’M NO XENOPHOBE BUT …”

Police say Amber Rudd’s nasty 2016 conference speech is not being treated as a crime because, “Duh. Hello? Because she’s our boss, stupid”.

“No, we’ve recorded it as a hate incident instead” said a West Midlands Police spokesperson “which means no crime investigation, and no interview under caution for our guvnor. Anything else we can help you with? Must go now as I’ve got an appointment with the Home Office to discuss Police pay and conditions.” Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, News, Police, Politics

Britain First even fails to become a banned organisation

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It’s a telephone Paul. Just say “Hello, this is Paul.”

Morons-on-a-mission, Britain First are seemingly so useless they’ve even failed to come to the attention of Amber Rudd and get themselves banned.

The knuckle-dragging f**kwit ‘party’ has been asking for funds for some days, on the premise they were about to be banned and needed cash for their legal appeal. With Poppy Season over, Biffer Central is on the lookout for alternative scams, Continue reading

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Protest against Orgreave enquiry decision charged down by mounted police

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Brave PC defends himself against a woman armed with beads

A group protesting Amber Rudd’s decision against an Orgreave enquiry has been flattened by a mounted troop of baton-swinging police officers.

Today’s retro cavalry-charge was “a limited, proportionate response and rather nostalgic,” a South Yorkshire Police spokeswoman explained, adding “anyway one of them looked a bit like Arthur Scargill, so they were asking for it. Continue reading

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Brexit Britain: watching Countryfile to be compulsory

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Him and Matt Baker run a fight club #FACT

Despite most Brits being obese city dwellers who wouldn’t know a badger if they found one in their kitchen whipping up a batch of parkin, Amber Rudd has announced that every citizen of Brexit Britain is now required to watch Countryfile. Continue reading

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Royal family must declare number of foreign members under new rules

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Foreigners seen here preparing traditional kebab dinner

Monarchists have reacted angrily to proposed new rules in which  royal families will be forced to announce how many foreigners they contain.

Government proposals for the “naming and shaming” of monarchies with high numbers of immigrant royals were designed to “promote English nobility”, but instead risk penalising hard-working Greeks or Germans who contribute greatly to our society by taking massive civil list payments, according to a spokesman from Who’s Who.

“People like Prince Philip come here looking for a better life, and who can blame them,” insisted a Buckingham Palace insider.

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Crisis as Head of inquiry into inquiry resignations resigns

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“First things first though” said Rudd “Is it inquiry or enquiry?”

The Home Secretary is to launch an inquiry, into why the head of the inquiry into why heads of inquiries resign, has resigned.

With inquiries into inquiries consuming an increasingly large proportion of the Home Office budget, a concerned Amber Rudd spoke  yesterday. “We need to put a brake on it soon and I hope this new inquiry should do the job for us”.

 

“Otherwise the Chancellor might well order an inquiry into the costs of the bloody things.” Continue reading

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Filed under Children, News, Tory sex scandal