“I first had an inkling when I saw that photograph of the wind lifting Kate’s dress above her waist,” said Professor Luke Thorne. “Immediately the thought ‘baboon’ flashed across my mind and I decided to investigate.”
Prompted by this inspiration and after painstaking research through many generations of Middletons, Prof Thorne has concluded that Kate’s great, great, great, (and so on) grandfather was an ape – most probably a baboon – although he was unable to rule out a gibbon at this point..
“Church registry records don’t go back much further than the Tudor period,” said the nutty Professor, “so I’ve had to use other methods of research.”
“Ultimately, it comes down to the similarity of behaviour, such as the frequent display of teeth, the immaculately preened hair and the whiney voice. That and some misguided research by a bloke called Darwin who reckoned everyone was descended from iguanas.”
The revelation is believed to have caused consternation at Buckingham Palace with the Queen banning any further “cheeky little monkey” references to Prince George. Meanwhile the Duke of Edinburgh is said to have “gone apeshit” and has been seen strolling the corridors muttering “I said this would happen if we married into bloody commoners.”
Last night a Palace spokes-flunky commented “We are aware of Professor Thorne’s research. If the Princess of Cambridge is descended from an ape, we’re sure it would have been a very noble ape. Perhaps a ruling class silverback.”
“That could be possible,” conceded Prof Thorne thoughtfully, “judging by how hairy her arse was in that picture.”