There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.
By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss.
Nevertheless, Her Majesty is a real trooper and although she hesitated over the pledge that the BBC would bring back ‘The Black & White Minstrel Show’, she Queenfully carried on with the proclamation that free beer would to be given to all citizens married to Germans.
There was a stunned silence after the final measure – the Turner Prize to be scrapped in favour of the ‘Alf Garnett Award for Philosophy’ – and the Queen rose unsteadily to her feet and left the historic chamber, followed by a grinning Duke of Edinburgh.
Although the chief flunky at Buckingham Palace blamed an administrative error for the Queen being given the wrong speech; insiders pointed to a certain elderly immigrant from an impoverished EU country, coincidentally married to a person of German descent.
Later, Nigel Farage commented “This was obviously a cock-up, but it did give us a chance to demonstrate that UKIP can no longer be considered a single issue party.”