In response to the uproar surrounding unmarked Halal meat, supermarkets have pledged to offer consumers much more choice in the way animals are killed.
Sifting through the meat aisle of her local Tesco, Harold resident Pippa Delaney welcomed the move.
“It’s so much better, now we’re properly and sometimes graphically informed”, she insisted. “Let’s see: cricket bat with a nail in it…bolt gun in the face…liver failure…ooh! This one sounds delicious AND guilt-free: ‘hit by a meteorite’. I bet that makes it tender as well.”
Inevitably Waitrose are offering creative and sustainable culling, including Gloucester Old Spot killed traditionally with a crossbow, and Columbian Blacktail hens bored to death by a poem.
Meanwhile Lidl have reported a huge demand for their Scottish beef, that’s seen off by despair, self-loathing and heroin on a remote Glasgow sink estate.
Not everyone trusts supermarkets to forensically label meat correctly, and Asda have already been caught up in a scandal.
“When I’m buying a nice joint of lamb, I always look for the ones that have been run over by the little red tractor”, said one unsuspecting customer.
“But according to Panorama, the reality is nothing like the cartoon on the packet. They’re put in a pit and they drop a rusty combine harvester on them. It’s misleading.”
Overall, residents have welcomed the move. “It’s important to have a say in animal welfare, and be able to avoid supporting barbaric and cruel slaughter methods”, said Pippa Delaney.
“And it also gives us the rare opportunity to be racist while maintaining the moral high ground.”