As the Easter Getaway causes traffic chaos across the UK this season’s first case of in-car cannibalism has been reported in a tailback on the M5.
“The only thing different about this case is that the victim was so young,” Detective Inspector Alice Philips of Avon & Somerset Constabulary told a press conference. “As you are aware in most cases of traffic jam induced cannibalism it’s the oldest members of the family who get eaten once the travel sweets run out. This is why so many grandparents prefer to travel by coach.”
This year’s first passenger-turned-snack has been named as Dunstable University student Archie “Marbles” Burnett. The twenty year old was crammed in a Toyota Yaris along with four of his university rugby club team mates heading to Newquay when disaster struck.
“Due to an accident they were caught in a tailback and remained stationary for almost three hours,” said DI Philips. “Witnesses report that some people got a bit thirsty while one woman became hysterical on realising that she didn’t have the charger with her after her iPhone ran out of battery and had to be airlifted. It really was hell out there.”
“Under these extreme and very challenging conditions Archie Burnett’s fellow passengers made the decision to eat him as they hadn’t taken on any sustenance since just before Birmingham and considered Mr Burnett to be the best choice for sacrifice on the grounds that he, and I quote, ‘is only doing sports science so is going to be on JobSeeker’s soon anyway.'”
“Although the men who ate Mr Burnett have expressed remorse they would like to make it clear that they consider their actions less abhorrent than stopping at a Roadchef.”