The government has announced it is to push ahead with plain, dull and boring packaging for cigarettes after a decade long trial on party leaders.
“Back in the day when everyone was consuming politics it was easy to tell the difference between the main brands,” Public Health Minister Jane Ellison said.
“So over the last ten or so years we have been trying out the theory of ‘plain packaging’ of the party leaders, and the results are conclusive.
“Make all the leaders look boring and unappealing in outer packages that are identical to Tony Blair, and you put everyone but the most hardened Nick Robinson off politics all together.”
Many of the people whose opinions were used during the study said they were impressed that a simple change could make such a difference.
“In the 80s you had Thatcher, Kinnock, and Ashdown,” said one of those surveyed. “You knew which colour you had to go for to get the flavour of politics you liked.
“But now they are wearing the same suit, hairstyle and warmongering grin it really is difficult to tell the difference between them.”
In a blind taste test of policies, he picked out Nick Clegg as a Tory, Ed Miliband as his brother, and David Cameron as a cock.
One of the main objectives of plain packaging for cigarettes is to stop children taking up the habit.
“We found plain packaging puts children off the disgusting, dangerous and unpleasant things that leave an unpleasant taste in the mouth,” the minister continued.
“Hopefully it will have the same effect with cigarettes.”