Atos to lose contract: fit-for-work assessments to be carried out by squirrels from next year

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A squirrel: infinitely more well-qualified than Iain Duncan Smith

A leaked document from the Department of Work and Pensions has shown that the government is preparing to ditch controversial French owned company Atos Healthcare. Now, The Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that from 2015 onwards the administration of fit-for-work tests for those in receipt of Employment and Support Allowance will be carried out by squirrels.

“Atos is a tough act to follow,” said Emilie Bourdain, owner of Harold’s Ashcroft Hall Animal Sanctuary who will be supplying the red squirrels that will sit in judgement over hundreds of thousands of benefits claimants. “But I’m confident that my squirrels will rise to the occasion.”

Due to the fact that squirrels can’t read or write they will make their decisions by scampering around a room full of pieces of paper upon each of which a name of an ESA claimant is written. Anyone whose name a squirrel tries to bury a nut under is placed in the Work Related Activity Group and anyone upon whose name a squirrel stops and scratches its arse is declared immediately fit for full time work.

“It’s sounds bizarre,” said Christine McCourt, head of the consumer action group Atos Watch. “However I and my members welcome this change as the squirrel system is clearly a lot more rigorous and ever so much fairer than the current one.”

2 Comments

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2 responses to “Atos to lose contract: fit-for-work assessments to be carried out by squirrels from next year

  1. I applaud this new development. Squirrels are clearly best placed to make fit for work assessments. As long as we get them in Spring so they’re not too busy gathering nuts.

  2. If we get Squirrels doing Atos assessments. Then why not get Apes to do the MP’s jobs in Parliament at least you only have to pay peanuts :)