In its latest public relations triumph, Denmark is to give all its schoolchildren the opportunity to maim and slaughter healthy rare animals in the nation’s zoos.
Following the popular move to kill Marius the giraffe yesterday and cut him up in front of an audience of retching kids, Copenhagen Zoo’s science director and blood-crazed psychopath Bengt Holst now insists the orgy of slaughter must continue.
“Yes, there were alternative zoos across Europe keen to take this healthy animal,” conceded Holst, “But what they do not understand is that I MUST KILL KILL KILL, RIP DEAD GUTS AND SPLINTER BONES IN MY TEETH. That’s the very valid point that they’re missing.”
The rest of Denmark’s zoos are now rapidly being fitted with child-friendly “Death Zones”, where parents can leave their children in a safe, supervised environment to smash in the heads of animals with hammers.
“I’m actually proud because I think we have given children a huge understanding of the anatomy of animals that they wouldn’t have got from looking in books,” father of two Stenbaek Bro told journalists today. “Yes, my children will have to endure a lifetime of terrible blood-drenched nightmares as they endlessly relive the horror of maiming a family of otters, but think of the benefits. I am a psychiatrist.”
Denmark’s Minister in charge of Tourism and National Publicity Martin Lidegaard brushed off concerns that the country’s psychotic death lust would in any way put off tourists. “Oh God God God God God no! Nooooo!!!” he explained this morning, before putting on a gazelle costume and hanging a sign round his neck reading: “KILL ME NOW”.