Plans to rationalise Olympic judging will see many of this month’s winter games’ scoring systems being adopted at the proper Olympics in Rio 2016. “Here in Sochi, how good you look is at least as important as the more workaday factors such as speed and distance.” says IOC President Thomas Bach “I’m not sure about girth though, let me get back to you on that”.
“Ski jumping for instance is assessed on ‘style’ during take-off, flight and landing, plus a small proportion of marks allocated for distance actually travelled.” Bach accepts that rolling out a similar system for the summer games will have an impact on the medal tables. “When we ran all the London 2012 performance data through our computer modelling software, it threw up some interesting results”.
“Obviously a ginger bloke like whatsisname will never win the long jump under our new code and Mo Farah is another prime example. He still crosses the line first in the 5,000 and 10,000 metres but a scruffy looking start and that shitty ‘Mobot’ thing he does with his arms drop him to 6th in both events. He’ll have to change that, if he ever wants to win another medal”. By way of contrast experts say that, even allowing for the Virgin Media advert’s, Usain Bolt looks so good at everything that he only has to turn up in Rio to win double gold again.
The IOC is also taking this opportunity to delete some of the more esoteric disciplines. Ice dance will certainly go, now that ‘Strictly’ has provided a far more appropriate venue for people to jiggle around in time to music, dressed like ponces. Competitors in ‘urban snowboarding’ will be quietly directed to the playground at their local parks whilst Olympic porn-lite (women’s rhythmic gymnastics) will be outsourced to Spearmint Rhino, who expect to clean up by auctioning-off the Judging roles to Rhino members (raincoats mandatory).
BBC sports presenter Jonathan Edwards, himself a former ‘hop, step and jump’ Olympic gold medalist, expresses concern: “As things stand, my old event won’t continue at all. It turns out no-one has ever looked cool doing the triple jump, even on school sports day. So, clearly, in future nobody could get enough marks to reach even bronze medal standard. I’ve now reviewed DVDs of my entire athletics career and realise that I wasted the most productive years of my life on a school PE activity with no practical use. To be honest, I always had nagging doubts, why did nobody tell me?”