Margaret Hodge has been accused of discouraging investment in the UK by the sort of greedy, psycopathic companies that would otherwise be drawn to our unique taxation loop holes.
An anonymous source has claimed that Hodge’s obsession with legality and fairness is completely at odds with the ambitions of many of the globe’s most successful rampaging monsters.
“There’s an unspoken rule about how we deal with ruthless monopolies looking to relocate here”, said a spokesman from the treasury. “If they don’t say out loud how much they’re making, then we don’t have to tax them. Hodge is being very unfair when she points out that this is catastrophically unjust. She risks them moving abroad, and not paying any tax there either.”
Corporate executives are notoriously shy and evasive, and can find difficult questions somewhat off-putting. After being mauled by Hodge, it’s as much as the many of them can do to leave the room and carry on as if nothing has happened.
“Hodge was horrible to me”, claimed Eric Schmidt of Google. “She said I wasn’t cuddly and that I should give her some money. Obviously we’re a nice company and we wouldn’t do anything illegal. Although we might have slightly drawn a cock on her house on Google Maps.”
High profile companies such as Amazon have been made to feel unwelcome by Hodge, and have only stayed in the UK in order to enslave millions of consumers. “She’s making out that the public are angry and want us to pay a fair share”, said Vodafone’s CEO Jeroen Hoencamp. “But if that was true, wouldn’t they leave in their droves or at least riot?”
Hodge has pledged to continue haranguing millionaire company owners, as long as they’re famous ones that everyone has heard of. So far, she’s refused to use harsh words for firms such as Stemcor, the company owned by her family that doesn’t pay all that much tax.
“I’ve spoken to them privately and their affairs are all above board”, said Hodge. “Anyone who claims otherwise might find themselves in the courts. Besides they can’t be evil, I’ve seen a lovely soft focus picture of one of their most caring major shareholders. Have a look, it’s on margaret-hodge.co.uk.”