There have been howls of outrage from traditionalists this morning following the BBC’s announcement that it has scrapped the Queen’s Christmas Day speech in favour of one from Mrs Agnes Brown instead.
“We’re not dumbing down or chasing ratings,” said Tony Hall, Director General of the BBC. “Times are tough for a lot of people so we thought it would be more appropriate for them to be addressed by a feisty lower-class housewife with a twinkle in her eye rather than a fabulously rich monarch whose television manner is as cold as the battlements of the castle she’s filmed in.”
The travails of Mrs Brown and her extended family have been a huge hit for the BBC in recent years and sold around the globe.
“The Brown family are an extended clan of broad characters who mostly show little to no intelligence and are ruled over by a non-English matriarch with old-fashioned dress sense and a large bosom,” said Hall. “Extensive testing in focus groups has shown us that up to seventy per cent of the Queen’s core audience won’t even notice the difference. And for those that do, well, Mrs Brown’s speech is going out at 3pm on Christmas Day. It’s hard to get properly upset about anything when you’ve just tried to eat a week’s worth of calories in one go.”
Agnes Brown was unavailable for comment this morning while a Buckingham Palace spokesperson told reporters that Her Majesty has said that she is “feckin’ delighted not to be bothering with that aul television shite no more.”