There was much excitement in Harold today following local tramp John Horse’s lucky find of a solitary late-season King Edward in a field on the outskirts of the village.
“We had a long chat about the England back four,” said Horse, “and shared a couple of jokes about Rio Ferdinand before I realised I was dealing with an organism with far more intelligence than any English footballer. So I popped ’im in me pocket.”
Horse successfully fought off an imaginary mob of ‘bastard thieving scavengers’ clearly intent on snatching the precious vegetable from his grasp as he made his way along the central reservation of Chiggley Moor Lane, finally reaching the sanctuary of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms.
“It looks like it belongs in the British Museum,” said Eileen Remnant (76), peering through her magnifying glass. “Ooh, what a gem! We should at least give Sotheby’s a ring.”
“Museum? National Portrait Gallery, more like,” chipped in Eddie the landlord.
But Horse was having none of it, preferring to rely on the age-old principle of ‘finders keepers’. “I can’t bear the thought of ‘im getting auctioned off to some rich foreigner,” he said, “so I hereby declare ’im a National Treasure. Anyway,” he added as he handed the spud to Eddie, “he’s me supper.”
“Normally, I frown on customers who bring their own food in here,” said Eddie, “as we have a perfectly good range of wholesome fare on offer, albeit none of which bears any resemblance to an English footballer. But bringing it in raw and casually saying ‘cook that for us, love’ has got to take the biscuit.”
Fortunately, Jane Fondant from the WI was in for a swift half and took Horse’s potato to pop it in the microwave for him. “Now don’t you go be a-peeling ’im,” said Horse calling after her, “there’s 90% of ’is goodness is in ’is skin. And you can leave that bit o’ mud on ’im, n’all.”
“Perhaps sir would care for a bottle of Chateau Neuf de Pape with his evening meal?” Eddie added sarcastically.
“Thanks, Eddie,” said Horse, “don’t mind if I do. Put us a bit of cheese on that biscuit I won, while you’re there.”