Badgers across the UK are currently laughing themselves moist over the panic about false widow spiders.
“It’s hilarious. The government made out that we were public enemy number one,” said Harold badger Manky Kevin. “Now you humans think a spider nip can make your cock drop off you’re not so worried about us possibly giving a few cows a bit of a cold, are you?”
“We had people in our woods blasting away with shotguns trying to kill us and our families,” said Furry Rita, another talkative Harold badger. “But now a spider from the Canary Islands has put the fear of God into them British humans have gone back to doing what they do best and started panicking about immigrants.”
“We actually eat spiders,” Manky Kevin pointed out. “Being of the omnivore persuasion badgers eat pretty much anything. If I’m caning it on the weekend I’ll do a few dozen arachnosods no problem. Course when I was younger I could eat a lot more but now it’s not worth it because of the hangover the next day.”
“I think we’ll be rebranded,” said Furry Rita hopefully. “Once humans realise that there aren’t enough rolled up newspapers in the UK to get the job done and wipe out the false widow spider I reckon badgers will be declared heroes.”
“I’m looking forward to that,” said Manky Kevin. “I hope we get a new song. Brian May is a lovely bloke and everything but us badgers are much more into James Blunt.”