Pope Francis has revealed a softening on the Vatican’s homosexual position, insisting ‘you shouldn’t knock it until you’ve at least given it a try’.
Reflecting changing views in society and a new, more fluffy form of catholicism, the 266th Pope admitted he was partial to the odd ‘pink pound’.
“It’s a question of balance and including as many people as possible”, suggested His Holiness. “I’d be glad to be gay, although I draw the line at letting someone pop it in.”
While some see a conflict between welcoming homosexuals but condemning homosexual acts as a ‘sin’, Pope Francis revealed he was open to all-comers.
“While it might be wrong to be very homosexual, being a bit gay would be fine”, he mused. “And if you follow me on Twitter, that would absolve you if you wanted to slip the tip in.”
Hardliners have condemned the Pope’s accomodating stance as well as his new rainbow-coloured Mitre.
“Sexuality isn’t something to be discussed in public”, said one Cardinal. “It’s something to be bottled up in private. Getting it out in the open has got us into all sorts of trouble in the past.”
Traditionally, the Roman Catholic Church hasn’t discussed the sexuality of their priests, but has forbidden any contact with vaginas. “That’s why we don’t let women in”, said the Cardinal. “They might have an accidental rummage while they sleep. Vaginas are an indulgence; you didn’t hear of the Virgin Mary resorting to hers.”
With sexless priests of all orientations now on an equal footing, Pope Francis hopes to finally put the Church’s troubles behind it. “I’m ramming my message home, and reaching round to those in turmoil”, enthused the Pontiff. “You can be as gay as you like, as long as you don’t do anything about it.”