The Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton has elected for a media birth, according to palace officials.
Like many young mums-to-be, Kate had a lot of choices to make for her ‘birth plan’, with some advisors suggesting an exclusive ‘push’ in Hello!, OK! or Pregnant MILFs!.
Editors have been scrubbing their arms and donning gowns they found on ebay, in the hope of getting a glimpse inside our future Queen.
“Photos of a heavily dilated royal twat would be brillant for our circulation”, admitted Anita Hughes of prattle-mag ‘Pry!‘. “The last one we ran was of Prince Harry partying in Vegas.”
But the right royal birth is a right royal headache for long-suffering security chiefs, with Johnny Foreigner keen to get an unregulated look-in.
“The ‘Yeomans of the Flange’ are giving every orderly a frisk”, revealed one insider. “It would be shocking enough for a bogus doctor to hack off one of their arms and replace it with a telephoto lens but if they papped the emerging mini-monarch, we’d be livid.”
Kate is expected to sign a deal well before she starts her labour. Book makers say an exclusive spread is currently favourite, but the shrewd money is on an unseemly free-for-all.
The sex of the baby is still a closely guarded secret, but the number of ‘in utero’ make-up specialists visiting the hospital is seen as a give-away by some. Perhaps ironically, a girl is likely to have more column inches.
“Whatever Kate decides, I’m sure we’ve all got our fingers crossed that the birth goes really well”, said Hughes. “We’ve got the lighting and staging sorted, now we just need to find a pretty midwife with a photogenic arse. One that’s prepared to get her thumbs up.”