Twats | The Evening Haröld

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by waylandsmithy | February 7, 2015 · 8:00 am

Villagers campaign to close local post office

A post office in Harold is under imminent threat of closure – at least if the neighbours have their say.

Long a magnet to fat, sweet-craving children and people with inconclusively sized envelopes, the post office has been a thorn in the side of the local community for years.

“Some days, you can’t move for the queue of two or three pensioners bickering over who’s knees hurt the most”, complained farmer Dave Evans. “I have to threaten them with a muck thrower just to get to the e-cig shop.”

A detached dwelling with three bedrooms, the post office is located centrally in the village: a village with precious little housing for young families.

“That’s why it should become an estate agents”, said Evans. “They could then sell the post box to a bunch of twats from London. Once they’ve moved in, I can sell them organic sausages for 30 quid each.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business

Tagged as closures, passport photo, post office, Twats

by waylandsmithy | February 3, 2015 · 7:00 am

Avian flu ‘no threat to lizards’, reassure our reptilian overlords

The sum of all fears.

An outbreak of avian flu is unlikely to destabilise the government, according to a report from our cold-blooded masters.

Although it could prove deadly for chickens, lizards are well up the pecking order. The announcement didn’t mention how it might affect those that evolved from puny apes.

“While pandemics can seem scary, I’d like to assure you lesser species that I’ll be fine”, said David Cameron. Nigel Farage licked a broiler in front of the press, to hammer the point home.
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