Tag Archives: Damian Green

Government still full of wankers

The lot of them

Theresa May has reassured the public that despite the ‘resignation’ of Damian Green, the government is still wall-to-wall wankers.

In a stiffly-worded statement, May insisted that with the likes of Gove, Johnson, Davies and Hunt still around, you could hardly toss a brick in the cabinet without hitting a wanker, and that’s without even mentioning Liam Fox.

“It’s nonetheless a real jerk that Mr Green has decided he cannot wait a moment longer before shooting off”, she ejaculated wildly.

“When I first heard the news, I confess I was sitting there with my head in my hands, as, presumably, was Damian Green.”

“Nevertheless, I’m certain there will be a queue of ministers keen to fill his position. It’s an attractive role in my government, and after all, Green had just splashed out on a new desk.”

2 Comments

Filed under News, Politics, Sex

‘Nothing to see here, move along’ says PM as whole social mobility board quit

I know what you’re doing under your desk. Just stop it.

Theresa May says there’s no story behind the mass resignation of the only team within government that has even a pretence of caring.

“Rather than criticising imperceptible progress toward a fairer society,” said Mrs May “why not just replay YouTube clips of my first speech as PM, when I vowed to tackle social injustice and inequality. ‘Where there is hope may we bring … no, not that. Err Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘Nothing to see here, move along’ says PM as whole social mobility board quit

Filed under News

DWP on MS woman’s lost benefits “if she could squeeze a thumb, why not a trigger & work as a killer?”

damiangreen

The name’s Green, Damian Green: licenced to harass

Outraged DWP assessors found that Mel Wiseman, a woman with MS, had rejected work as an internationaal assassin, despite being able to grip someone’s thumb.

“She was assessed last year as a malingerer, who might have taken any number of jobs.” said Damian Green, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

“Scalextric test driver, banana ripeness officer or, with her specialist Continue reading

Comments Off on DWP on MS woman’s lost benefits “if she could squeeze a thumb, why not a trigger & work as a killer?”

Filed under DWP, News, Politics