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‘Grand National great success’ says Tesco meat department

TescoNationalThe 2016 Grand National at Aintree ended in a triumphant victory for Tesco’s processed meat department, after the majority of meaty contenders ended up swiftly converted into delicious burger and spaghetti meals.

Following last year’s controversy surrounding the use of horse meat in Tesco products, the supermarket refocussed its marketing spend on an aggressively healthy image, in which an active lifestyle is key.

To this end, Tesco is now keen to emphasise the sporting credentials of its meat sources, especially the man-eat-horse world of  National Hunt racing over jumps. Especially races like the Grand National, where most horses die for our sporting pleasure like innocents thrown to lions in a Roman arena, only with more barbecue sauce.

This year’s Grand National saw a convincing victory for the highly-fancied Spicy Meatball (by Nugget out of Burger), with second place going to the much-improved Cottage Pie, who previously struggled over the fences.

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Ed Miliband tweets picture of himself eating food ‘like a real boy’

Early feeding simulations abandoned after Ed chewed through his strings.

Early feeding simulations abandoned after Ed chewed through his strings.

Labour’s Ed Miliband has jumped on the Osborne ‘Burgergate’ bandwagon, by tweeting a picture of himself with a portion of cheap meat.

But followers are now doubting his credibility as an ‘actual human being’, because the image shows him forcing a Big Mac in his ear.

“It’s perfectly normal to attempt to obtain energy from processed animal matter, while being uploaded with an inspiring new speech”, mouthed Ed Miliband.
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