Tag Archives: Apology

Letwin’s explanation in full: “I was a Conservative”

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Trust me, I’m a Conservative

Oliver Letwin held a press conference this afternoon, to expand upon his ‘unreserved’ apology for historical remarks, which anyone with a brain might view as racist bollocks.

“What needs to be borne in mind” began Mr Letwin “is that I was and remain a Conservative. Thank you all for coming.”

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Archaeologists discover tiny Corbyn apology buried on Sun front page

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Where’s that pesky little apology?

Archaeologists were celebrating today after the discovery of what is thought to be the smallest, hardest to find apology in the history of writing.

The apology, which experts believe is on the bottom left corner of the  front page of the Sun newspaper, was forced upon that publication after they were found to have lied to their readers by claiming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn swore allegiance to the Queen for monetary benefit.

The Sun printed this story in massive letters a foot high, complete with a page-filling image of Corbyn with a jester’s hat clumsily Photoshopped on by a lazy intern.

The apology measured approximately 0.0000000000000000002 millimetres in height, was written in Welsh, and was actually only visible to eagles.

“We can’t believe we found it,” explained chief archaeologist Montana Evans. “We’ve never actually seen anything that small before, it’s a work of genius – only someone with the tiniest of tools and mind could have put it there.”

When asked why they had not apologised more noticeably for lying to their readers, a spokesperson for the Sun was keen to explain, saying:

“It’s pretty simple. We don’t want people to know we lie to our readers, so we commissioned this new micro-font that’s too small for humans to read, and used that.”

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Filed under Media, News, Smug

Network Rail offers pre-emptive apology for disruption this autumn

"We're sorry if our apology seems insincere."

“We’re sorry if our apology seems insincere.”

In a move designed to scupper rail management critics, Network Rail operations boss Mark Carne has issued a full apology in advance of the unexpected disruptions to services this coming autumn.

“A sophisticated and coordinated attack on rail lines by foliage around November can be neither foreseen nor planned for, no matter how good your intelligence,” he said.

“I want to say a sincere and personal ‘sorry’ to all those commuters stuck in the middle of nowhere, who will have paid good money for the privilege.”

“I would also like to reassure our customers that we are doing all we can to prepare for the winter, but there is no climatologist alive can be expected to predict freak conditions causing snow on such an unprecedented scale. Again, I say I’m sorry.”
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Mike Riley to spend rest of life on phone apologising for refereeing decisions

See this Mike? Get used to it, because you'll be spending a lot of time together

See this Mike? Get used to it, because you’ll be spending a lot of time together

After apologising to both West Brom and Sunderland for decisions that have gone against them in recent weeks, referee’s chief Mike Riley is now resigned to spending the majority of the rest of his life on the phone apologising to people.

West Brom manager, Steve Clarke, revealed that he had received a phone call from Riley apologising for the controversial penalty that cost his side a win at Stamford Bridge recently. Next on Riley’s list was Sunderland boss, Gus Poyet, who got a call to discuss Wes Brown’s wrongful dismissal last weekend. With the current standard of refereeing, and another round of Premier League fixtures coming up, Riley has been shopping around for a new deal on his mobile contract in anticipation of spending a lot of time on the phone. Continue reading

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