Following his withdrawal from a swimming championship in Texas, Lance Armstrong has been sent an invitation to compete at St Mary’s CofE Primary School’s sports day in May.
The annual event falls outside of the jurisdiction of any anti-drug agencies that have imposed a lifetime ban on all competitive sport for the disgraced cyclist, leaving him free to participate in the parents’ races including the 100 meters dash, the sack race, and the highlight of the day, the elite egg and spoon race.
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With an increasing amount of complaints about self-serve checkouts in shops being ‘impersonal and robotic’, Tesco are trailing a new version of the tills that gives you the lack of service you have come to expect from a real barely-live person.
Tesco Express in Harold is one of the stores testing out the checkouts and so far they seem to have gone down well. “I always felt uneasy at the way the machines would say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’” one loyal customer explained.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News
This soldier praised for resisting the urge to shoot
A decision to allow both Harold’s branch of the Territorial Army and the village’s morris dancers to share use of the village hall is to be reviewed. This follows a transportation error which saw the whole flange of morris dancers deployed to Kabul, Afghanistan.
The jingling hanky wavers were due to travel from the hall to Sidcup for the National Prancing Championships. Unfortunately a coach was also due at the hall to take the TA to RAF Brize Norton to fly out to the war-zone and take up a combat role against the Taliban, a coach the morris men accidentally but keenly boarded.
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Filed under Uncategorized
The long running battle between gangs in North and South Harold saw a worrying development yesterday as the North declared a state of ‘we’re gonna knock you out, innit’ against their Southern counterparts.
The situation in Harold has been bubbling under the surface for a long time, but has escalated amid fears that the ‘People’s Democratic Rudeboys of Harold’ (PDRH) have tested long-range catapults.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News
Decision to publish photo described as ‘tacky’
Police have been called in to investigate how one of the nations most loved children’s entertainers ended up with his body severed into several pieces and spread around an establishment in Harold.
Morph, the plasticine sidekick to the late Tony Hart, was discovered yesterday morning in ‘Cuts Both Ways’ being used to hold up 3 mirrors, 2 clocks and a calender of David Beckham. It has not been established what body parts are being used as each piece was rolled into little balls. Continue reading
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Filed under News
Three schoolchildren from Harold are taking the local Tesco Expess to the ‘Dunstable Court of Human Rights’ in a bid to overturn their ‘no more than 2 schoolchildren at a time’ policy.
The policy was instated in 2010 when the retail giant successfully had the courts impose an ASBO on a local youth for stealing a packet of Space Invaders, although the three year-old’s mother still claims it was a misunderstanding Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News
Following the recent bad weather, namely six inches of snow, the annual hill sliding competition has been postponed.
The event that traditionally takes place on the Queen’s Mound, to the west of the Harold, sees some of the bravest villagers compete to get down the hill in the quickest possible time on plastic trays.
However the sheer amount of snow has seen organisers decide there was too much on the hill preventing the sleigh-type vehicles from sliding to the finish.
The event will be rescheduled for August when the Queen’s Mound should be completely dry with a slightly cracked surface.
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March 23, 2013 · 4:30 pm
In what has been described as a relaxation of the council’s stance on Europe, a Bed and Breakfast in Harold has been licensed to trial the village’s first ‘Continental Breakfast’.
The breakfast comes served in a French style cardboard box and contains some items locals may not have seen before. One example is the juice of oranges, normally reserved as an alternative to the prawn cocktail starter in high-end restaurants, served in a plastic receptacle. In addition to the fruit juice is a muffin, some cornflakes with complimentary milk substitute and a foreign pastry known only as ‘Croissant’. Continue reading
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Filed under International News
The Duchess of Cambridge has vowed ‘never to return to Harold’ after her visit to re-open the old people’s home on Wednesday.
Her remarks follow an embarrassing incident which saw a resident follow the new tradition of showering the pregnant princess with gifts, giving her flowers, a teddy bear and a ‘do it yourself DNA test’ Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
Is this the right Churchill? No, no, no, no, no
More soon
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Comments Off on Bank of England regrets outsourcing printing of ‘Churchill’ £5 note (pic)
February 1, 2013 · 4:02 pm
And you thought we were just a made-up paper.
Comments Off on Front Page 12 May 2013
February 1, 2013 · 12:17 am
Problem?
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February 1, 2013 · 12:15 am
The most awkward managerial unveiling since Rafa went to Chelsea
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February 1, 2013 · 12:00 am
It’s not all about Fergie.
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February 1, 2013 · 12:00 am
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