Passengers undermining us by wanting trains: complain rail bosses

Don’t even look at it. There’s nothing for you here.

In a sight that could provoke tears in a concrete statue of a stiff upper lip some of the most vulnerable people in Britain, rail company bosses, bravely spoke out about the trials they face.

“All we’re trying to do is make a huge profit while investing as much in maintenance and infrastructure as Boris Johnson would in a machine that could induce a state of contrition,” said Manfred Rudhart, CEO of Arriva.

“But our mission is undermined by passengers making ludicrous demands like a season ticket costing thousands of pounds resulting in access to a train they could get on every so often and use to go on a journey.”

“It’s like trying to win Bake Off while clearing a minefield on a rollercoaster as a rabid wolverine tries to take you up the wrong ‘un,” said Phil Whittingham, MD of Virgin Trains. “No company could live up to these stratospheric expectations. I mean what mad shite are people going to want next, seats?”