“I’ll raise issues with Chinese President if he gives permission and tells me what to say” vows PM

Five seconds later Dave lay down in a puddle and let Xi Jinping walk over him

David Cameron has promised that his talks with Xi Jinping will be hard-hitting and that “nothing is off the table” when it comes to raising issues apart, of course, from raising issues.

“I say nothing but one has to be polite,” David Cameron said. “President Xi Jinping may not want to talk about certain things like human rights, anti-competitive business practices and why it might not be the best plan ever for the UK if China buys most of it. He may not even like the table in which case I’ll simply get on all fours and he can use me as a table or any other piece of furniture for as long as he wishes.”

As the police announce tough measures to deal with those protesting against Xi Jinping’s state visit David Cameron had harsh words for those who don’t want the UK to become BFFs with a regime that wouldn’t know habeas corpus if it fell into their bowl at breakfast time instead of cornflakes.

“I really don’t see what the problem is,” he said. “China has money. And like my dear friend King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia is fond of saying, money can buy you love.”