Heat rises, so sit on someone tall: 20 top tips for winter survival

Don’t wear a condom inside, or you won’t feel the benefit when you go out.

Wear an extra pair of socks over your arms.

Alcohol doesn’t make you warmer you just think it does. But isn’t that enough?

In an emergency survival situation you can coat your body with your own faeces. This will stop your neighbours coming round and opening your front door and letting all the heat out.

Turn on every light in your house to cheer yourself up and put the heating on full blast. You’ll be long dead before our reckless use of resources has properly ruined the planet.

If properly handled, a simple otter can provide warmth for a family of four.

Dance naked in a pentangle, and summon a fire demon.

Exchange you money for Roubles, and then burn them.

Petrol is a highly concentrated source of potential heat energy, and it’s never been cheaper. Why not buy some, and drive to Africa?

If you rub your legs together really fast, you’ll get some funny looks in Waitrose.

Spare a thought for the homeless in these conditions. For instance, the embarrassment felt from wanking off a tramp can be very warming.

Have you noticed that some creatures hibernate? Why not show the children the butterflies sleeping in the attic, and how their wings burn briefly but brightly.

Exercise is a great way of keeping warm, but also a lot of effort. Put a coat on and turn the heating up.

Plumbers and heating engineers get very busy during a cold snap, so if you would like to replace your central heating with a new, more efficient system to warm your house you should have done it in the summer while they were quiet.

Diesels take longer to warm up than petrols, but they eventually burn out completely and leave no incriminating finger prints

When it’s very cold the elderly often wrap up in old fur coats and suchlike, rather than turning up the heat. If you’ve an elderly neighbour, why not call round? They’ll already have got their mink coats out of the loft, which will save you the trouble of ransacking the place.

Not everyone realises that waste heat from a car engine is discharged through the exhaust. So, why not leave the car running and use some hosepipe to duct that heat into your house. Warm as toast and green as jade

A sack of ducks is a cheap alternative to the duvet.

Skype a friend in Canada. Their relentless teasing over your inability to cope with what for them would be lovely warm weather will anger you thus warming you up nicely.

Go around saying ‘so much for global warming’ to everyone you meet. Escaping the ensuing mob justice will get you pleasantly glowing.