“He has his own spoon”: Miliband speech to list why he should be PM

He can see his ears without looking in a mirror

Hapless character in a crap sitcom come to life, Ed Miliband, will give a speech at London University today listing the reasons why he should be Prime Minister. The Evening Harold has managed to obtain a copy of the speech – a nice old man called Alan J-something gave it to us with a smile and a hearty wink – and can now exclusively reveal the top ten reasons Ed Miliband believes he is the right person to lead the UK.

1. He casts no shadow.
2. His casual racism and drinking beer practise has really come on. He’s just as good as Farage.
3. Has an uncanny ability to make people feel better about themselves and their own abilities.
4. Has learned every spell from Harry Potter – “just in case”.
5. The UK needs its own George W. A pretzel is nothing compared to a bacon sandwich.
6. He can ride a bike with no hands. Okay, a tricycle. But still, with no hands.
7. He will get on well with Ebola and eradicate Obama.
8. He can hold his breath for ten minutes.
9. As an alchemist of some note he will be able to get the UK out of debt quite easily.
10. We can show the world how far we’ve come: voting Ed in as Prime Minister will demonstrate how even a multi-millionaire from Hampstead can succeed in modern Britain.