New Atos test to involve putting people on disability benefits in a wicker man

This has better wheelchair access than over 50% of Atos test centres

Atos, the company which carries out work capability tests on those in receipt of benefits due to illness and/or disability, has announced that it is  implementing a tougher test which will involve placing claimants in a wicker man.

Esther McVey, Conservative MP and Minister for Disabled People, spoke of her delight with the new system. “As I said in an interview earlier this year, this government is very generous to disabled people. Now after a long consultation of ten minutes minus the time it took to drink the coffee and enjoy a hobnob, I and my colleagues who are all able to work and whose basic salaries put us in the top five percent of wage earners in this country even before we’ve cracked open the treasure chest that is the MPs expense allowance have decided that that is not on.”

“This new test will help us to provide more targeted support with our target being to give no support to anyone.”

Atos claim that their wicker man test will cut out the ambiguities of the old system and yield an unequivocal result every time. “If someone manages to escape the flames then clearly they aren’t that bad off physically or mentally having got themselves out of danger with a swift, determined action and thus they will be declared fit for work and their benefits stopped before they hit the ground,” explained an Atos spokesperson. “If they don’t make it out of the wicker man in time then another drain on the nation’s economy and national health service has been eradicated. We see this as a win-win for the ordinary, hard-working families of Britain who have been supporting scroungers for too long.”

Hopes that wicker men going up all over the country would provide a boost to the construction and wicker industries were dashed when it was revealed that like Atos which is French the wicker man contract has gone to Pocux Solutions an overseas company and all workers and raw materials will come from abroad.

“This proves that the government is fully engaging in a global economy,” enthused Ms McVey. “At first we were very concerned that Pocux wouldn’t be able to make a profit due to running out of claimants to process but happily since this government came to power there has been a record number of UK citizens feeling ill.”