Gove to replace GCSE exams with Cowell inspired X-Levels

Amanda will bite your arse!

A leaked Government paper has revealed that Education Secretary, Michael Gove, is planning to shake up the examination system with the introduction of new X Levels, based upon the talent show The X Factor.

“We need to get kids to buy into the examination system,” said a leading Tory strategist, “and we’re willing to take tough decisions by calling Simon Cowell in to make this work. After all, we transformed the High Street by consulting with Mary Portas.”

Under the proposals, instead of an examination board, pupils will be expected to show their subject knowledge by presenting everything they know in a two minute slot live in front of a panel of judges. When questioned if that was sufficient time for a candidate to present the culmination of two year’s study, it is understood that Cowell assured Gove that he was pretty sure he would know if kids had made the grade within ten seconds of them walking on stage, so two minutes would be plenty. In fact he was considering having a big red button to buzz children who were dull or obviously rubbish.

The panel will award marks ranging from 100% to a maximum of 1000%, although a potential absolute maximum mark of 1000%***** has not been ruled out for difficult subjects such as singing and dog training.

Later, when asked if the reforms were just a blatant and condescending attempt to appeal to the young, Gove said “Hey square dude, you’re just not with it. We’ve got to be hip, get down with the youth jive and be where it’s at, Daddy-o. Innit?”